How to Get Rid of Toxic Relationships

There are several good things that have come out of this turbulent time, one of which is some clarity around which relationships are best serving us. The process of social distancing has revealed to many of us which relationships are ones that we cannot live without, and which are the ones that we probably don’t need in our lives any longer. For me it hasn’t been too tricky to figure out – there are people who I have loved touching base with, who I get off the phone to and have a huge smile on my face; then, there are the people I feel incredibly resistant to catching up with. Often, the ones that feel like an effort or a drain are the ones we no longer need in our lives.

As humans we are inherently social creatures. Whilst this means we thrive off social interactions and relationships, it definitely does not mean that we need ALL kinds of social interactions in our lives. If a relationship is toxic and is not contributing anything positive, now is a good time to make the call on whether or not it should remain in your life. First of all, it’s important to identify what toxic relationships actually look like. Making this identification will come more easily to some people than to others. Toxic relationships tend to be those that take up far too much of your time, and don’t leave you feeling as though you have gotten anything out of the interactions. They don’t light you up, they don’t inspire you and they definitely don’t leave you feeling good about yourself! Often, they make you question yourself – they may be friends who criticize you too often, friends who are overwhelmingly negative, or those who leave you feeling as though all your energy has been zapped. Of course, I’m not saying to go out and delete all those friends who you don’t 100% see eye to eye with; we are all completely different, and that is a beautiful thing that must be embraced. However, there is a difference between friends who cherish and accept you for your differences, and people who simply aren’t a source of joy in your life.

Don’t forget that life is too damn short to spend time and energy on people who don’t light you up. It’s also important not to put pressure on yourself; you will come to realise which are the toxic relationships in your life, and you will get rid of them in a time that is right for you. Moving past toxic relationships requires you to completely accept that you are better off without that person in your life. It does not mean that you will never be able to have them in your life, but you need to be comfortable knowing that you do not have space for them right now. It’s time to put your needs first.

The most effective way to end a toxic relationship is to sit that person down and tell them straight up that you need to end it. Doing this removes the chances that they will misunderstand you. It’s also the right thing to do, although it may feel incredibly hard at the time, and you may feel very resistant to the idea. But in all fairness, it’s kind to let them know where you are at, and it’s important for your own peace of mind that you do the right thing. Just because you’re letting the relationship go does not mean that you should hurt them even more while you do it. It also gives you the opportunity to explain where you are coming from and allows them to ask any questions they may have.

Before you sit down and chat to them, take some time to plan out what you want to say. Whilst it’s important to be honest and convey what has been going on for you, you don’t have to tell them too much. They may have a strong emotional reaction, and may be upset and hurt by your decision. This is the downside of having a sit-down chat, but if it’s a longstanding relationship, chances are it’s probably fair to hear them out. Let them know how much you have cared about them, but stay strong and stand firm in your decision.

Another method of cutting ties is to slowly phase them out of your life, though this method can get a bit messy and should only be resorted to if a sit-down chat really isn’t on the cards. This is a more viable option if it isn’t an extremely close friend or relation, and you don’t think that they will contact you regularly and want to catch up. Sometimes it just feels unnecessary to have the sit-down conversation, especially if it’s not someone that you feel like you owe an explanation to. As always, you are the judge; just go with your intuition. 

When cutting ties with any relationship in your life, it’s important to establish and maintain boundaries. This means standing firm in your resolve and not letting that person guilt you into maintaining that relationship. Of course, this may be easier said than done, especially when trying to clear out relationships with family members, or people that continue to pop up in your circle. On the flip side, if you never need to see that person again, a clean break can make it a whole lot easier. Either way, it is okay; just do what you can with what you have. 

Last but not least, it’s important to forgive them. If you’ve ever heard the saying ‘when one forgives, two souls are set free’, you’ll know why this is important. This forgiveness isn’t for them; it’s for you. You don’t deserve to bear the weight off the relationship on your shoulders. Take a deep breath and let go of all the negativity you hold in regard to that relationship. Life is so short; make the most of every single day and surround yourself with healthy relationships that light you up. You know what they say, you are the sum of the company you keep, so get out there and start creating your relationships with intention.